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Arkwright - The Independent Voice
I quote from a recently received letter headed Health Act 2006: “A recent visit has revealed that you are failing to display the nosmoking (why a hyphen?) sign as required by the above-mentioned (another random hyphen) legislation.
This Act came into force on the 1st July 2007 and requires that all enclosed and substantially enclosed public places, premises and workplaces display the appropriate sign at all entrances, failure to display the correct signage may result in a fixed penalty notice of £200 being served on yourself, or if prosecuted a maximum fine of £1000,” signed Trainee Environmental Health Officer,who should have added:“with nothing better to do.” Smoking has never been allowed on our premises,we didn’t need a Health Act to come up with the idea, but now we have to display a vile smoking cigarette with a line through it so that we fit yet another government inflicted tick box. Meanwhile the street is awash with cigarette ends and ice cream salesmen trading illegally but the local district council choose to target small shops who pay their taxes and rates and contribute to the local economy instead of addressing a myriad of issues that are causing problems to others; probably because that would actually take some real work on their part. Reluctantly I have put up a sign but with the added caption: Thinking of going into politics? Smoking habits can damage your future reputation.
Other rules and regulations upset me this month. In the process of changing credit card processors I got a call from the one I was leaving. Remember, they had called me. They opened the conversation by calling me by my name (good start) and asking was it me. So they’d rung me on the number they had logged on my account, they had the name right but then they wanted “for security” all my bank details – the very things they tell you not to divulge in case of fraudulent calls. If I’d call them I’d expect a security question but as they’d instituted the call I declined saying “How do I know who you are? This is the very information you say never to give out. Hang on, let me just publish it on the web then the whole world has a fair chance of ripping me off”. They didn’t like the old sarcasm, so I said “Well I hope this call is being recorded for training purposes, let your bosses have a listen and when they’ve decided what set of rules they’d like me to play by we can talk again. In the meantime file this as a complaint and by the way my middle initial is R for Rottweiler if that helps security”. Relaying my frustration on both the no smoking sign and this event to a friend she said: “Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you” – I took it as a compliment.
The summer holidays upon us, there are, what my family call, steering wheel children about in abundance - kids who try their parents’ patience beyond acceptable boundaries. The name arose years ago when stress levels to do the school run on time pushed me to the limit. I fully acknowledge every morning was fraught, caused by my daughter’s disappearance to tend her horse and various distractions that my son would turn his attention to, but I don’t actually recall the culmination on one particular morning, I probably blacked out with anger. My kids swear its true, having taken great delight retelling it to amused audiences, I have come to accept that it was probably based on truth if somewhat exaggerated now. On Steering Wheel Day I was ranting and raving about them getting in the car,“Every morning we have this same panic,will you just get in the car …”, getting more and more frenzied until finally, lost for further words, I bit the steering wheel, driving my teeth into it like a dog gone mad. Apparently, when I finally let go I calmly started the engine and away we went in stunned silence. They’d got the message and steering wheel children became a euphemism for bad behaviour.
With all the spin of locally sourced produce in restaurants and supermarkets how much longer will it be until someone realises that locally sourced members of professional football teams are the right way to go; cutting down on huge carbon footprints as they jet in from around the world and huge overheads as they demand evermore extravagant transfer fees. A locally sourced premiership and first division (managers and players) would give England a fantastic base from which to select a team that is far more likely to win in the world market and encourage more home grown talent. What do you think is fair, a ten mile radius of Chelsea,Highbury or Manchester for starters?
