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Arkwright - The Independent Voice
I couldn't decide whether the weather forecasters were trying to work for us or sabotage our efforts on the spring bank holiday. The media and politicians' doom and gloom had been doing a grand job at killing any spark of positive thinking so when the weather ladies and gentlemen joined in with predictions of rain, wind and the end of the world it looked like the icing on the cake for a bad weekend.
However, in total contradiction to the forecast for our area the sun came out and we had two glorious days of warm sunshine (before the rain, wind and end of the world arrived!). I think, on balance, the forecasters were probably on our side and possibly indulging in a bit of reverse psychology to ingratiate themselves with the public. Those holidaymakers who'd been bold enough to book their time away in advance had, to my good fortune, brought all the wrong clothes expecting bad weather so had to call in for shorts, tees and sandals and the locals were so elated at being able to head for the beach I came close to rationing sales of footballs, frisbees and flippers to prevent too much of a stampede in that direction.
Having experienced highs over the weekend there was bound to be a low and it appeared to come in the form of a snooker cue stuffed through the letterbox with a note nailed to it curtly informing me "I'll be in to sort this out". Grateful for advance warning I swung into action preparing my refusal to refund and doing a few yoga exercises to ensure I'd stay calm in the face of what was likely to be a confrontational situation. I recalled a man who, now likely to be Mr Disgruntled, had taken well over half an hour looking at cues before he splashed out all of £15 on the one he eventually chose, the same one it would seem that now had a nail through it. During the protracted purchase I'd had plenty of time to study his body language and made a mental note that he looked the type to be a bad loser - the type of customer you might in fact prefer to shop at Argos! Sure enough, later in the morning in he bounced and I have to admit on this occasion all my negative assumptions were (unusually) wrong. It turned out the nail in the cue was not an act of aggression but just some peculiar accident at the snooker club and once there it seemed - or so he said - a handy way of attaching the note. It seemed sensible not to question this rather odd explanation, as at that stage I was still uncertain of his motives, but then it became apparent I hadn't read the whole note. On the reverse was scrawled, "Great cue! Save me two, I need a replacement and my mate wants one as well". I nearly fainted with relief; visions of being impaled on the cue had not been pleasant!
Keeping my accounts up to date and settling bills on time is part of my established routine but I have for some months now been refusing to pay one invoice because my instructions were not followed, and as a result the value of my advertisement was totally negated. Having succeeded in getting EDF to settle for £250 when they invoiced me for over £4,000 (how's that for a result?) I'm not about to cave to the threats of YELL and its various henchmen, viz NCO, Moorcroft Debt Recovery and Midas Legal Services, over £95.18 including VAT. I've shown great patience responding to every computer generated letter, many of which make no sense at all but contain varying levels of threats from "my credit rating being damaged" to "our local representative calling at your home address". While computers can generate letters they seem unable to read what is sent in reply so no meaningful correspondence is conducted. Stationery used on their parts, postage, computer time and the occasional human input must almost equal the amount they're chasing so where's the logic in that? If the bailiffs arrive the only thing I'm prepared to offer them is a poster of John Terry, standing up, holding an England Euro 2008 mug.
Five pound notes seem to stay in circulation way past their working life expectancy and get far tattier than ten, 20 and 50 pound notes. There are some disgusting examples around; I took some real horrors to the bank this week. Reflecting on why this should be I've come up with a possible theory: loads of people put a fiver in their pocket "just in case", forget about it and later the jeans go in the pre wash, full wash, tumble dryer with the fiver still in the pocket... a whole new meaning to money laundering!
