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Arkwright - The Independent Voice
There comes a time when enough is enough and I reached that point Good news! Thought that would give you a surprise and make you read on, after all not many articles one's read in the press recently start like that. So how come I've got good news when everyone else is doom and gloom?
Simple, I've decided to get into bed with the devil and become a government consultant; should help to prop up (rather handsomely I hope) any shortfall on takings in the Sports Shop during these recessionary times or at least sub the colossal energy bills that are predicted. Admittedly I don't have a signed contract yet but a chance phone call has opened the batting. The subject of the call was that word had got through to higher places that I was instrumental in setting up and now running an efficient free cardboard recycling scheme for local businesses and residents. "Only because nothing is provided by the local authority" I interjected. The way the caller continued with a load of flannel about how well I'd done I began to think he's going to offer me a title in a minute or at the very least an MBE. Thankfully I didn't fall for the feigned flattery and had my wits about me. "Who are you again and what is it you want?" I asked. With that he reeled off several sentences of jargon, mainly made up of acronyms, and concluded by saying, "So if you just tell me how you set up your system, how you manage it, what problems you've encountered and overcome and any recommendations we could use that would be most helpful". "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Not so fast" I said. "Let's just recap. I may be green as in environmentally but I am not green as in stupid. I have done all this as a volunteer. You on the other hand get paid, right? So all the research I did to set it up, the time I continue to put in managing it goes financially unrewarded while you, Mr Defra-funded-man, think you'll go back to The Department and score points as the blue-eyed boy with all the information you need to spread the good word nationwide having simply picked my brains. Wrong! I'm very happy to offer my expertise on a consultancy basis, go on lecture tours as well if all expenses are paid at the same rate as MPs, but no thank you I do not want to share my knowledge with you just because you think it would be ‘nice' for everybody to benefit from what I know. Bill Gates was not that magnanimous until he was very, very rich and judging by my last bank statement I've got a long way to go before catching up with him!" Long pause at the end of the line, in fact I wondered if he was still listening then I heard a heavy sigh before he said, "Fees and expenses I can do but don't push it and start asking for things off that John Lewis list." Seemed fair, so now I await his follow up call.
Thanks to the smoking ban indoors the proliferation of cigarette ends in the street has to be addressed and not always very effectively by the road sweeper so I find myself outside with a broom more often these days clearing up the abandoned fag ends (ugh!) around the shop entrance. While attending to that duty on one occasion last week I inadvertently contributed to the breakdown of a marriage. A car drew up into the parking bay and as is the habit of many, particularly Blue Badge holders, the driver parked right in the middle. The female passenger alighted. I suggested politely (yes I can do polite) it would be helpful if the vehicle moved forward so others could then use the second space. As the driver got out he aggressively reprimanded the lady for slamming the car door, she ignored his remark and calmly passed on my request to move the car forward. He exploded! Told her he wasn't taking any more orders from her, swore a bit, got in the car and drove off. I was aghast but the lady started to smile as she said to me, "He's been threatening to leave me for years. I hope this time he really has. If he comes back don't tell him which direction I went in. We don't live in this country any more," she tapped her bag, "and I've got the passports, tickets and credit cards; perfect! Thanks for your help, that's a real result."
I was dumbstruck but she went off singing and he never came back so I assume I helped make two people happy. If the eco consultancy doesn't work out perhaps I'll give marriage guidance a go.
